me vs. fear

no one likes it. no one wants to find it. we live in a world where fear exists only in the mind of those who run from it. daily everyone has things they fear...so daily their motivation is to not be crippled by it. so they do things...that even lead to sin. its funny tho...no matter how far you run...how hard u try...fear still exists...cause the only place it has power is in the mind.

for me...fear of being a shadow is mine. for years i strived to not be suffocated by the shadows and pain of being forgotten. back in the the 70s and 80s..you didn't have the internet...cameras...so no way to glorify yourself. you brought your ass into the gym..trained your ass off and leave. not to try to show out and "act" like your trying to be about something to others when at the end of the day...that becomes pointless. as i said...for me fear of the shadows have always been a fear of mine. growing up i was the middle child...always forgotten...never to be first before anyone...left alone alot...to my own prison where i talk to myself alot. i was always never taken seriously...always by myself. in my mind however..if i didn't exist to anyone else...i didn't exist. that was logical to me


when people talk about being motivated by others so they have a reason to push harder. i remembered someone telling me they were proud of me cause i'm pushing the hardest i've pushed. i told him that i had to. he asked why did i "have to push harder'? its simple. when it becomes that your made for this and this is what you want more than anything...that hunger never ends...the need to dig deeper becomes routine...you do what you want cause you can...no rules..no limits...not bound by the world...being a greater person who hungers for greatness will have no rules. you push harder cause you have to...your hunger never ends.

i forgot that. that same person now has his back to me. with good reason but no excuse. but that's not the point. i stopped existing to everyone save those who gave a damn about me...that mattered. i could be very well dead to them. i don't exist anymore to them. that killed me. if i don't exist to even them...what was the point of living. cause i don't exist to me. i realized what i had to do. go to the one place where fear grips me the most....solitude.

there the struggle began. how do i exist now? how can i exist? the nothingness of the shadows and the pain of silence can bring a man to his knees waiting for someone to acknowledge their presence in the world. i waited for hours....days....weeks...nothing. i was still dead. then i had to make a choice...allow this pain from fear to suffocate me in silence....or let it define me thru hunger and passion for what i love the most. that hunger has always been there for me...even growning up...it taught me how to be independent...cause i hungered to be greater...day by day. but i also hungered for the light. no more. when your away from distractions...away from the light...more importantly dead to those who u did harm to...you have a choice....pain can suffocate you in silence or you can let the hunger take over so the pain becomes nothing....and fear becomes a liar and illusion. so in the shadows of my own fear i forge a greater man....one who will be a greater athlete...to the world i am a physical manifestation of hate and rage...but to me i am man who hungers to be a greater man...to be a greater athlete who no longer is gripped by fear for he embraces the shadows. i've let go of the world...no longer gripped by its standards. no rules. no limits. i do what i want cause i can. i always could. i push harder...dig deeper cause my hunger for greatness is bottomless as my hate and rage for the world. the world preys upon weakness...now i confine myself to my own prison...so the world will never see my weakness again

when i grab that bar...and its pour all of my hate and rage into it...every set...every rep...the burn cause that hunger to continue greater...the veins engorge with newfound undeniable strength i never had before...the hunger continues to grow greater...i think about this fear...and it pisses me off more...then i step back and realize..."what's next?....is that all you got for me? i feel no pain or suffering...give me your best shot..it still won't feel shit to me....what's next?! tell me what's next?! what else you have for me? what else you got for me? i want more! give me more!" these are the thoughts going thru my head...no one is around to hear me...why speak? why scream? just me and fear itself...and my proving its a liar.

i embrace the shadows now for there aren't any to begin with. i do. my hunger to become a greater man is defying feat itself into what it really is...a fuckin liar. it attacks thru pain and suffering...and now i feel nothing from those. it only fuels my hunger...it only makes me stronger than the last set...the last rep...last session...it knows i won't stop. it knows my violent intentions. it knows my killer instinct yet it doesn't stop either. it will continue to prey upon my weakness day in and day out and i will continue to make it a liar.

what do u see looking into my cell? u think u see me. u don't. pitch black. that's all you see. that's all the world sees from me. u see nothing into my cell cause i'm not bound by rules...limits...standards of people anymore. u see shadows. when you understand the pain...the suffering...when you understand what i fear most...and my resolve...my hunger to face it to forge a greater man...a greater bodybuilder...a greater powerlifter...that's when u see either a man or a monster. that's up to you. but know what u see u know what it is...and u don't know what it is. whatever light comes in...i drown it myself for i don't exist within the light...the light exists within me and any other light is drowned by me.

a man without fear is hunger personified into fear being a fuckin liar. i will continue descend into this prison of mine further...to face my own fear more...to define myself and never to be defined by anyone else or the world. i am what i am and what i am is yet to become. again...when you understand why u see nothing but pitch darkness in my cell and why its open...then u will see a man or a monster...

again...my cell is open cause fear is a liar and my hunger drowns it.