isolation

it pisses me off. nothingness that surrounds you. you talk. no one hears you. you sleep. no one is there to wake you. you have nightmares. no one hears you scream. but there is something more worse than that. when you no longer exist to the world...and u become a shadow...your words fall on death ears. you pleas go unanswered. their back is turned to you. you've just become their past.

everyday facing that does two things to me. one...it fills my heart with sorrow for i'm the one who caused it. but two...hatred and rage. to me its worse than being stabbed in the back...having the world turn their back to me. makes me wanna snap its spine in half. u sit in your prison day by day with that on your mind. the silence is deafening. you have too much time to think...but u do. that's where the devil can get ahold of you. words come into your head....the mind games are at play. your told there is no hope. your told your nothing. your told your trash. then your told why don't you end yourself...make this pain easier and it will go away. this is where you go crazy. you fight against these thoughts...trying to keep sane. trying hold onto something...an outlet of some sort. yet he continues to tug on those strings. then it turns to rage. how the fuck could they leave me hanging? turn their backs to me? i punch walls. i attempt to bend iron with my hands. then it hits me.



the silence becomes a calming effect now. the rage. the hatred. becomes channeled into numbing the pain. i feel none. i go to a place where i'm at one with the lord and what he made me for. its there that the rage and hatred i bottled up become released. my strength has always been a gift of mine. another is bein able to be numb to pain after a while. so i proceed to moving weights with pure killer instinct and violent intentions to do harm...to do damage. the devil is still there...taunting me. but all his words only fuels that fire more...but i continue....it doesn't stop. i want to be challenged. i want to have more pain inflicted on me. show me a pain and i will show u a reason on why i do what i wan cause i can. every set. every rep. engorges my veins with new found power....i become numb to the pain. there isn't enough weight to contain my wrath...my rage...my need to unleash devastation. there isn't enough reps that will have me lying on the floor gasping for air...i stand...i feel no pain. the veins in muscles are engorged with so much power....it hardly can't be contained...so it won't....i want more...

that's when i realized i found something...something that makes my intensity neverending...something that allows me to thirst for more pain. something that allows me to take this rage...this hatred...which is bottomless...and use it to build a greater man...to be able to be a greater bodybuilder...greater powerlifter....that something is HUNGER. i get nothing from the words of weak men. mind games only further to drive me into insanity. infliction of pain is laughable.  sorrow...sadness....has been replaced with HUNGER. it has to. if i think about the shoulda woulda couldas i probably would of killed myself. so you have to find a way to be numb to the pain...physical and mental....the hunger does that.

i no longer want to be accepted by the world...i no longer want to be drowned by the light but to have the light be drowned by me. i exist finally here in my own mind....cause in your own prison...that's who your in with. you.  the feelings of rage...hatred...and hunger...all of it comes from me. i look at what it has built...the veins i have that are pumping with newfound strength day by day...that i didn't have before...stretching my skin...i stand and realize...that if i didn't exist..i would feel nothing. in my own prison..its not physical..its mental. the pain is real. the hunger is real. i exist. so day by day  i sit. i wait. for my chance to open that bottle...that bottomless bottle....for a small time...devastation is unleashed....a unhuman juggernaut of wrath that feels no pain...that uses his suffering as intensity to build something greater....channeling my hatred and rage into becoming a undeniable positive force...cause my existence is real. to me. that's all that matters. when your own prison...thats all u see. u can continue to be denied that by the world or accept it thru you.

i'm given a choice....this can be torture to a point where i cannot live with the pain...the pain from being burned by the flames of hell or this can be my salvation using this pain to become a greater person...greater athlete...like a blacksmith forging a greater sword...one unbreakable only gets sharper...one that won't be denied by anyone else...

the sword is me.